Friday, January 30, 2009

Feelings

I know that we, or I, haven't written much on here about our feelings in relation to this process. I guess I kind of thought we should keep this more about "business." I don't know for sure how Carin is feeling these days, but I can guess that it isn't too far off from what I'm feeling. So tonight I'm going to break my "all business" non-rule and spill the beans about how I am feeling.

Mostly, I'm feeling fragile. In 2007 when we did this, we laid so much on the line and got stomped on in the end. We felt great about what we were doing and the process and all of that. But when the governor didn't sign it and didn't sign it and didn't sign it, I pretty much guessed that he was not going to sign it. I hoped he would just let it pocket veto (or expire). Instead he outright vetoed it and that hurt. It hurt a lot.

So here we are again. Seemingly on the edge of this cliff. Just about to dive off into heavy political soup. It is complicated by changed relationships between politicians, new faces in some roles, and familiar but unwanted faces in some roles. I am anxious about the process. I still feel like a complete novice when it comes to how the whole thing works. I am nervous about speaking. I've never been good at speaking to any audience much less on this topic. I always seem to be the one who cries. Carin holds it together so well; I cry. I guess that is why we make such a good team. I am scared that we will fail again. This one task that has been given us so that we may honor our children.

I am also feeling vulnerable. This is a topic that is, obviously, near and dear to my broken soul. It does not get more personal for me. And here I am, again, holding my heart, my soul, and my child out before me asking for their approval. Asking for his approval. The governor. My heart still bears his shoe print from the first time around. Here I am, again, hoping more than anything that I don't get squashed in the name of politics.

Unfortunately, I don't know of another way to do this. I don't know how to make them all understand and fix the problem than to show them in graphic detail what it means to lose a child.

Here is my story. Here is my son. Here is my heart and my soul. Here is my indescribable pain. Please. Please make it right. Please.

Don't break my heart again. Please.

3 comments:

Natalie said...

Dear Halo,
Your courage and strength amaze me! I can not find the words to express how I feel. My heart breaks for you, and I just want to hug you. Sincerely, I am in awe of your perserverance and bravery.

And your governor, well there are many things I want to say about him, but I won't even go there. Suffice it to say he DISGUSTS me. And he angers me....because he has hurt you and many others, women I don't even know, but with whom I now share a connection because of our children. And, it infuriates me that he has hurt you.

Unfortunately, I know that my anger will solve none of your challenges. But know this, I am going to harness my anger, and turn it into energy for mighty prayer. And, I will encourage everyone who reads my blog to do the same.

I have no idea of your religious/spiritual beliefs, if any at all...so I hope with all of my heart this is not offensive.
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

I wish we knew when the "due season" would come. I pray you have all the strength you need, so you do not grow weary in this battle. I pray your governors heart may be softened. But know this, regardless of the outcome, you have NOT failed. You are fighting "the good fight", not only for yourself, but for countless others. Do you even realize how heroic that is?
There will NEVER be failure on your part. The only person who has already, and can once again, fail here? The governor. And I can promise you this, he will one day stand accountable for that shoe print on your heart, along with anymore he dares to add.

Thank you for all that you are doing for others. I know your son is cheering you on, and is proud of his mother. I am sending mcuh love and many prayers your way.

April said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm just sitting here in tears, not knowing what to say. My heart aches for you. I hope and pray that everything goes better for you this time around. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Love to you!

NEW YORK CBRS BILL said...

I echo your statement as we work to get the bill passed in New York State.

Hope 2009 is finally our year and yours.

www.CBRSbill.blogspot.com